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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I Burned Myself Out... Again

I must apologize. I've not written since Memorial Day and gave no explanation for my silence. It was unintentional. I never meant to go so long without a word. I burned myself out... again.

I'm sorry deudderson. Thank you for asking if I was OK. I am. The last several weeks were a bit of a struggle for several reasons but nothing major. It was sort of a lot of stuff all at once.

I live with chronic PTSD from the abuse I suffered from the age of six until I left home to join the army at eighteen. During the last year, I have been working with a therapist who specializes in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It has helped a great deal. I have far fewer terrible dreams as a result, and had some of the burdensome emotions and fears, that I carried so long, lift and leave me. However, EMDR is a journey that involves revisiting traumatic incidents and reprocessing through each one.

I haven't been sleeping well for several weeks. Many times, I remember other things as well and then have to work myself through the sad sometime frightening fog of those incidents. Sometimes, something will trigger a long ago trauma, like a little thing I saw on television two weeks back. The result was several very real, upsetting dreams. For the most part, I do quite well with it but when things are going on with my family members that require a great deal of time and support from me, I start to wear down. And then of course there is artwork and blogging....

You are right deudderson, I do not have be NY Times qualified when I write. I take it too seriously sometimes. I want so badly to help to end this mad cycle of war after war that I just about paralyze myself. I have burned myself out several times before. I think it is a problem of balance. I do artwork, take care of a house and family, write a blog, am active politically, and somehow never seem to be able to put a healthy balance of my energy and attention into practice. I do try.

It was the day after Memorial Day when I just stopped. I couldn't think, didn't want to read, and knew I couldn't write. So I took myself outside and did yard work. Then I cleaned up my mosaic supplies and did some work on the retaining wall mosaic I started two years after the Cedar Fire. I didn't even listen to my CD player when I was outside. I just listened to the wind and the mockingbird, the hummingbirds and the crows that share our outdoor living space. I cooked some big pots of food and watched several old movie favorites including "The Uninvited " and "The Snake Pit". I just went with what my instincts told me to do to recharge my batteries.

What I didn't do was go near the computer except maybe once a week to check e-mail. What I also didn't do was post an explanation about my absence. I am sorry and promise to post a note, at least, if I burn myself out again, or go on any kind of hiatus.

I am passionate about "The Dishpan Chronicles" but I've got to stop burning myself out. If I can manage it I need to do some artwork and some writing,
since both are necessary to me, and not do too much of one while, ignoring the other. I have also been allowing myself more freedom when I do art or write. My cousin is a talented artist who works with a wonderful freedom ( please visit The Hillbilly Artist's Folk Art From the Mountains link under Visual Arts). She has inspired me to loosen up.

I will try to write a post pretty soon. I have one in mind that needs to be written.

I hope everyone is well and enjoying the summer.
...........Kitchen Window Woman.............

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14 Comments:

Anonymous auntie said...

HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG

5:17 PM  
Blogger enigma4ever said...

You have a beautiful blog....so sorry about the PTSD- such an awful thing to wrestle with ....and there is no one way to "fix" it..I offer you hugs and please feel free to come over to Watergate Summer and meet some truly wonderful caring souls....there are many things that help with PTSD, from teas to art, to long walks...to music to blogging....it all helps...

( deuderson is a friend...)

7:49 PM  
Blogger LET'S TALK said...

We must all deal with things the best we know how... I'm glad to hear that you are OK and life has just threw a few changes your way.

9:21 PM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Great to see you back! We'll be around whenever you're up for bestowing your wisdom upon us.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Anon-Paranoid said...

I know what you mean about feeling burned out. I feel that way too after screaming out about what's happening to our country.

It is hard to sit and write about the atrocities being committed in America's name and not feel worn out.

I'm glad too see you back and look forward to more insightful posts when your up to it.

Take care and God Bless.

3:31 PM  
Blogger beachblogger said...

dear KWW,

thanks for posting! working in the yard is good for me too. B gave me a whole collection of roses and they are just starting to grow again. i put them all in containers.

peace, peter

5:59 PM  
Blogger Mary said...

Hey I just found you by way of Beachblogger. I do mosaics too. Very theraputic. I think.

6:51 AM  
Blogger Carol Gee said...

No explanations required, KWW. Glad you are finding multiple ways to take care of yourself. You will write again, and - as always - very well.

3:05 AM  
Blogger bluegrrrrl said...

KWW--I'm so glad to see that you are doing OK, and I appreciate your honesty in this post!

If you are over at Peace Train, send me an IM--or e-mail me through my profile...I'd like to talk to you about the EMDR...I have begun doing that as well during the past year and would like to compare notes on the approach, if you are comfortable with that!

4:19 AM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

Reconstitution is my sounding board. I find that I am often both angry AND relieved after turning something loose.

I don't know how I could explain to someone else how to use a blog that way though. And I'm not entirely faithful myself-I disappeared for a week last month and my co-writer started to fret about me. Bless his heart :)

Feel better. We love you and we notice when you aren't around.

10:16 AM  
Blogger Kitchen Window Woman said...

AUNTIE...
Thanks for the hugs - back at ya

ENIGMA4EVER...
Nice to meet you. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I did stop in at Watergate Summer. It seems that we share many of the same concerns and tastes - my daughter and I are both Dave Matthews fans. Music of all sorts is always playing in this wee house.

LET'S TALK...
I just wore myself out but am beginning to feeling restored. I needed to rest and get away for a bit. I just did what my instincts told me to do. I'll jump back in soon.

BRAD...
It's good to hear from you! I didn't know you were blogging politics again. I'll be back at it soon.

ANON-PARANOID...
You are right. It got hard to write because I was so fed up and so angry. I'd been reading too much, watching too much news, and writing too much and like you, I care deeply. I had to step back, breathe, and clear my head. And with PTSD - it is a health thing.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Kitchen Window Woman said...

Beachblogger,
Hi Peter, How are your roses doing? I pruned ours in the front and they are beginning to bloom again. We have many of our plants in containers because of the gophers. Lately, it's been so hot that I haven't been outside as much. Hopefully the heat spell leave soon. Peace, KWW

MARY...
Hi. I just looked at your mosaic page. Wow! Your work is wonderful! I am a beginner at it and am still learning. I have done collage all my life so mosaic is the natural next step. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you some questions some time.

CAROL GEE...
Thanks. Good to hear from you. I am feeling better. I guess I just have to be a little more careful.

BLUEGRRRRL...
I would love to discuss EMDR and compare notes!

4:16 PM  
Blogger Kitchen Window Woman said...

JOLLYROGER...
Sometimes the blog works like that for me too, but not always - not this time. Everything and everyone all around me needed tending including myself, I was politically really pissed off, and my mind went into a tangle. Maybe it was writer's block? Anyway, thanks. We've both been at it a while haven't we?

4:29 PM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

We have indeed. And we aren't done yet. As long as the moronic monkey continues to throw poo at the values that make America a place worth living in, every voice must resonate.

10:57 PM  

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