I Burned Myself Out... Again

I must apologize. I've not written since Memorial Day and gave no explanation for my silence. It was unintentional. I never meant to go so long without a word. I burned myself out... again.

I'm sorry deudderson. Thank you for asking if I was OK. I am. The last several weeks were a bit of a struggle for several reasons but nothing major. It was sort of a lot of stuff all at once.

I live with chronic PTSD from the abuse I suffered from the age of six until I left home to join the army at eighteen. During the last year, I have been working with a therapist who specializes in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. It has helped a great deal. I have far fewer terrible dreams as a result, and had some of the burdensome emotions and fears, that I carried so long, lift and leave me. However, EMDR is a journey that involves revisiting traumatic incidents and reprocessing through each one.

I haven't been sleeping well for several weeks. Many times, I remember other things as well and then have to work myself through the sad sometime frightening fog of those incidents. Sometimes, something will trigger a long ago trauma, like a little thing I saw on television two weeks back. The result was several very real, upsetting dreams. For the most part, I do quite well with it but when things are going on with my family members that require a great deal of time and support from me, I start to wear down. And then of course there is artwork and blogging....

You are right deudderson, I do not have be NY Times qualified when I write. I take it too seriously sometimes. I want so badly to help to end this mad cycle of war after war that I just about paralyze myself. I have burned myself out several times before. I think it is a problem of balance. I do artwork, take care of a house and family, write a blog, am active politically, and somehow never seem to be able to put a healthy balance of my energy and attention into practice. I do try.

It was the day after Memorial Day when I just stopped. I couldn't think, didn't want to read, and knew I couldn't write. So I took myself outside and did yard work. Then I cleaned up my mosaic supplies and did some work on the retaining wall mosaic I started two years after the Cedar Fire. I didn't even listen to my CD player when I was outside. I just listened to the wind and the mockingbird, the hummingbirds and the crows that share our outdoor living space. I cooked some big pots of food and watched several old movie favorites including "The Uninvited " and "The Snake Pit". I just went with what my instincts told me to do to recharge my batteries.

What I didn't do was go near the computer except maybe once a week to check e-mail. What I also didn't do was post an explanation about my absence. I am sorry and promise to post a note, at least, if I burn myself out again, or go on any kind of hiatus.

I am passionate about "The Dishpan Chronicles" but I've got to stop burning myself out. If I can manage it I need to do some artwork and some writing, since both are necessary to me, and not do too much of one while, ignoring the other. I have also been allowing myself more freedom when I do art or write. My cousin is a talented artist who works with a wonderful freedom ( please visit The Hillbilly Artist's Folk Art From the Mountains link under Visual Arts). She has inspired me to loosen up.

I will try to write a post pretty soon. I have one in mind that needs to be written.

I hope everyone is well and enjoying the summer.
...........Kitchen Window Woman.............